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A hidden code in Nowhere Land
I’ve been critiqued by Jericho Writers, first 5,000 words, thank you BUT having approached over twenty agents I completely fail to attract sufficient interest for an agent to want this historical MG novel with a Polish setting. Here’s my pitch.
1920 The Red Army surrounds Warsaw. In this war-torn world two friends choose different sides.
As Polish cavalry clash with Red Revolutionaries 13 year old EMIL SOKOL, a proud but vulnerable Polish aristocrat, and his friend PASHA DUB, an ambitious village boy make different choices. A feisty girl zings into the story and challenges both their ambitions – but can they outwit a ruthless Red agent’s bid for power?
Any comments most welcome!
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20 Replies
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The pitch looks fine to me. Have you thought of self publishing?
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Dear Barbara,
Thank you for that! As regards self-publishing, I can see that if you’re really able to work hard at promotion and using the internet it does work. I enjoyed workshops in the Festival of Writing 2018 which showed us how people could self-publish very successfully. But I feel – and maybe I’m wrong – that the children’s book market is so specific and tough that it’s better to go the traditional route. Unfortunately too most children’s book publishers seem to prefer approaches from agents, though I’m not averse to trying independent publishers too. Do you self-publish?
Very best wishes.
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Hi Jenni
No I haven’t published yet, this my first book and I have massively rewritten it after advice from agents at the Hampshire Book Festival so am on the final polish before trying to send it out. I will consider self publishing if i am unable to get an agent interested – which is highly likely as debut author – although I don’t know enough about it yet.
Kind Regards
Barbara
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Very best wishes in your endeavours. It’s not easy at all.
Good luck!
Jenny
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Hello Jenny. I’m not experienced in pitching yet so this is my very humble opinion as a reader I imagined seeing this on a book jacket (I know that’s different to an agent pitch) but I wondered what is at stake for the two main characters? I like they have to pick different sides but what’s the dilemma when they do? Also they’re friends but what tiny snippet of backstory could you include to show me why their friendship matters so much to them?
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Hello JJ. Thank you so much. I appreciate your comment and all the other posts too. I like your humble opinion! Very best wishes to you.
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Hi Jenny, I’m new to this but I hope you don’t mind me pitching in (sorry, bad pun).
The premise of your book and the relationship between protagonists sound interesting and like something I might pick up and want to read.
You get this across in your pitch but I think it would help to be more concise. Some of the facts that you set out in para 1 are repeated in para 2.
If you were to simplify the first para to cover the fact that it’s 1920, the Red Army surrounds Warsaw and Poland is torn by war, you could go on to the friendship between aristocratic young Emil and ambitious village boy Pasha, who may also be torn apart by the different choices they make, in the second.
Your third para loses me a bit. Admittedly as an Englishman in late middle age I am probably not within your target demographic but the line “A feisty girl zings into the story” doesn’t work well for me. I would simply name her, the fact that she challenges both of them gives me enough to want to know more about her character. Going on to foil the plans of an ambitious Red agent seem a logical extension of that.
I read somewhere that an elevator pitch should be a maximum of fifty words, you get a lot of information into yours but I think that shortening it could make it more punchy and interesting without losing the content.
Hope this is constructive. Good luck with the publishers, you clearly have a good theme and it sounds like something well worthwhile getting out there.
Cheers
JPK
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Thank you so much JPK. It’s very helpful. I appreciate your time and trouble. I’m new to Townhouse and it’s lovely to be able to ‘chat’ like this. Best wishes with your work.
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Hi Jenny – Sorry to hear you’ve had no luck getting an agent. I know how that feels. It doesn’t necessarily mean your story or writing are no good. It is just fiendishly hard to get an agent.
As for your pitch, I agree with a lot of what JPK said above. Your opening line throws us into this very interesting and fraught time in history, but you then repeat yourself in the second paragraph about the friends, and I think that is wasting words. Maybe you could expand your first paragraph slightly to include the information about the boys. You maybe don’t need all the detail. Could just say from very different social backgrounds, or an aristocrat and a village boy.
Then I think you need the essence of the story. Presumably the girl is the catalyst that brings about the change to both of them. I feel ‘challenge both their ambitions’ is a bit vague. What is it that she makes them realise and how does that change the stakes for them. And how does this link them to the ruthless red agent? Why is it them who must stop him?
Hope some of those thoughts are helpful and good luck with it.
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Kate, this is so helpful! And it’s so generous of you to reply. I’m so new to Townhouse so am still learning how it works but it’s just great to meet so many warm and sympathetic people.
I’ve noted your suggestions. Thank you so much!
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Sorry to hear to have had no luck so far.
This is my comment and please feel free to discard it.
I’m not sure selling your book as a historical novel for MG is not a condradiction. Historical novel sounds very adult. MG books are all about adventures and fighting the outer enemy. Your pitch sounds as that it has that. But I would put forward the characters not the setting. What are they challenges what do they want, what gets in their way.
And I would try to write my pitch with more of an MG feel. Yours right now seems very didactic. And kids want to read for fun not because they need to read something to learn. Your book could be great as teaching something without be obvious.
Think of “Max” by french author Sarah Cohen-Scali. it’s about a lebensborn house. but the focus of the pitch is about Max. So maybe that could be a lead to make your pitch stronger and more emotional.
Hope this helps
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Hugely helpful, Chrissy. Thank you so much. I shall re-focus from the characters’ viewpoint nad hype up the adventure. Plus I shall look out for Max.
Do you write MG?
Very best wishes
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Hope you got my reply, Chrissy. I’m hugely grateful. Best wishes!
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yes, I did. But I’m having a really hard time signing in the Jéricho Townhouse. I can’t seem to access the forum and if I try my account on the Jericho site it says I’m not registered which is true because I’m not paying member… Anyway.
Max is a great YA book.
And as for me, I’ve written a tween book that is in the hands of a beater reader, and I’ve started on a MG book.
Can’t you get help with your pitch with the Jéricho writers, if you’ve alreade got help with your book?
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I’ll work at it, Chrissy. Did I tell you I had huge issues logging into Jericho Writers because the site never seemed to like the password, but happily things seem to be settled, though my fingers tremble a little when I try to log in.
Best wishes with your tween book and the new MG one.
Jenny
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Hi Jenny, sorry to hear that you’ve had no luck so far – don’t give up! I think you have a great concept here, both in the scale of the story and with the emotional drama of two friends choosing different sides. Is there room in the pitch for a few words to explain how this ups the jeopardy for the friends? What’s at stake for the boys?
You could save a few words by taking out ‘zings into the story and’ – IMHO the sentence reads stronger without it. I like that you’ve ended the pitch with a question – it adds to the intrigue.
I’m still getting to grips with the workings of this new site, and couldn’t see how to reply to your comment re the mosaic. I saw it on holiday in Provence. I write historical fiction set in Ancient Rome, so take lots of photos like this!
Good luck with your pitch. 🙂
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Dear Thea,
Aha, now I understand that mosaic! Your work sounds fascinating.
Thank you so much for your comments, very encouraging and insightful. I am new to the Townhouse and so it’s lovely to get your post. Thank you so much. I’ll keep on pitching.
Best wishes to you,
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First, let me say that as a polish immigrant this story pulls on all the right heartstrings.
Secondly, I think the pitch you have is an excellent starting point, and with a few changes could be really fantastic (in my own humble opinion).
The main thing which stands out to me is that Emil’s surname is misspelled (it should be Sokół). And us his friend not polish? His name isn’t, and you specify that Emil is so you might want to explain. The girl seems like a plot tool, rather than a character – maybe expand a little? I would personally remove the part where you specify Emil is polish as this is established by location of the story, and the second time you mention that they are on opposing sides of history. Also the part about the girl “zinging into the story” could be changed, maybe into something along the lines of “when they come across [insert name], the boys are forced to re-evaluate what they took for certain.” This is only an idea, obviously taken from a place of not having read the book.
Good luck with future agent-hunting! Keep us updated 😊
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Dear Marigold91
Thank you. Wow! You’ve well highlighted some of my issues. The book is set in Wołyń. Polish names are so hard to transliterate in English. For instance I’ve written a book about the now famous bear Wojtek and people pronounced it W (as in English) odgetek. Emil has changed his name three times for that very reason and I decided to write Sokół as Sokol for the sake of English readers. I thought I might put a note in the back trying to give some clue about this. Pasha is a Ukrainian villager. And Sila is also Ukrainian (tutejsza). Sila is her nickname (her real name is Svitlana) and in an earlier draft I spelt it Seela as British people cal her Sylla or Seila. Oh dear! I go easy on the ethnic explanations in the book, but I do used Polish, Yiddish, Ukrainian, transliterated into Latin letters, and a couple of Russian phrases which I keep in Cyrillic.
I’m not Polish but I studied Polish at university, have lived in Poland and for the past eighteen years have been steeped in the life and work of Zofia Nałkowska. My biography From Corsets to Communism, the life and times of Zofia Nałkowska is to be published this month by a small independent publisher.
I’m thrilled and touched that people have written to me as I’m new to Townhouse. Do keep in touch and let me know about your writing too.
Najlepsze życzenia!
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Jenny Juniper and chrissy , from what I’ve gathered there is one login/password for Jericho, and one login/password for the Town House. The two entities seem to be seperate.
Jenny Juniper , you’ve gotten some really good feedback! I agree that the sentence “she zings into the book…” could be removed, as it pulls the reader out. Your character is alive, living in breathing in the book, having her zing in like that removes some of that magical fictitious flesh and blood.
You could perhaps highlight the choices Pasha and Emil must make and where this leads them, what constitutes the final clash, and how it’s resolved. Easy, right? (I know, pitches are such hell.)
Hope this helps!
