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Elevator Pitch – feedback please
Hi. I am writing a memoir. After viewing all of the modules of Good to Great (brilliant course), I am now working through the stages outlined, starting with my Elevator Pitch. This is what I have so for and would appreciate feedback please.
What’s it like to find you aren’t who you thought you were?
A sheltered 17 year old girl in 1970s London finds truth aged 17, embarking 20 years later on a quest to find both biological parents in the days before internet. The mother she found was distant and secretive. The father, who previously know nothing of her, was a welcoming former professor, journalist and Ambassador originally from Cuba who Fidel Castrol once wanted to have killed.
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6 Replies
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You have an interesting life history here for both the 17 year old and the father, but I feel the elevator pitch should leave the reader with open questions – it should tantalise or compel the reader to ask ‘what happens next?’ or ‘How on earth will the hero/heroine get out that?’ or ‘Surely this isn’t going end as badly as it sounds?’ or ‘Wow, I really feel sympathy for the main character, I want to see him/her happy ever after’. As it stands, the reader is told that the 17 year old has a difficult, uninterested mother, and a father with a colourful and dangerous past. But the elevator pitch does not pose any questions about how the story will continue, what jeopardy must the heroine escape from, what obstacles have to be overcome before the end of the story reaches it’s tragic or happy outcome’. So I think you have to partially reveal somethings that leave the reader wanting more.
I like the ‘What’s it like to find you aren’t who you thought you were?’ The ‘A sheltered 17 year old girl in 1970s London finds truth aged 17,’ slightly confused me because of the two 17s. Does the truth she finds at 17 cause her to go on her quest 20 years later – and if so, why does she wait that long ? If that is the case, then that is a mystery that you should perhaps draw to the reader’s attention eg:
It was only when, 20 years later, Kate unlocked the secret given to her on her 17th birthday, that she discovered she had never known her real parents, and that her unremarkable, but loving upbringing in 1970s London had been a necessary but terrible deception. Her search for her true identity would take her on both a deep emotional journey, to find a mother who had her own secrets and a father committed more to revolution than to family.
I’m hoping that would make the reader wonder what the secret on the 17th birthay was, why the mother is secretive, what revolution did the father get involved in, and why he committed to that rather than his family (ie Kate). Of course, I don’t know the story in detail, so I may well have made a complete hash of this – and if so, I apologise!
Just my 2p.
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This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Dave Sinclair.
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This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Dave Sinclair.
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Thank you so much. That is really helpful. Much appreciated. 😁
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This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by
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Rose
I would not be great on advice regarding Elevator Pitch. I’m busy writing the Memoir at the Moment so not concerned about it. So didn’t get to follow Harry on this one.
But, if its of any help. Loved the mystery of Who you are. Sounds so exotic. The search for such way out parents, ie the Father, would enthrall me and fixate me on reading the book to find out how you did it and your journey.
Very brave of you.
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This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Portia Ridgeway.
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Hi. Thank you for your comments. Very encouraging and much appreciated.
Rose x
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This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by
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Hello Rose
There are a couple of places in your summary where you use the past tense when I think you mean the present but I’d like to make the following pitch suggestion:
A woman with an unsteady background seeks her true parents and traces a secretive mother and a Cuban father whose death was sought by Castro.
You may be able to make that snappier! I hope I haven’t misunderstood you.
(It may be just a pet dislike of mine, but I think the pitch should give information, rather than asking a question).
I note that you are writing a memoir but can we take it that this is a novel written in the first person, since you describe your book as though it is fiction?
Good luck.
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Thanks for your comments. I have to admit that I am wavering on whether it should be a novel but as it is a totally true story it is technically a memoir – but one I want to write in the style of a novel. I have a lot to think about.
Rose x
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